Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Standing Still

Kyle and I have been trying for baby number 2 for quite some time. We were blessed with a baby, but then lost it a couple of months ago.

I'm going to be honest, when I usually see people post incredibly person things on social media I feel a bit awkward. Probably because it's not something that I would do, which isn't really any standard at all. I have gone back and forth about wether or not I wanted to write something about our miscarriage and I have decided I want to because the friends that I have that were willing to be vulnerable and share a bit about what they learned or went through really encouraged my heart. Then, after going through a miscarriage their words meant even more.

I have no idea who might see this, or when, but I hope that you see a glimpse of my heart and are encouraged. I also want to look back through this cataloge of our life and remember ALL of it. The good and the hard.

I've had a general feeling of sadness since we lost the baby. It's just sort of with me. I haven't felt completely myself since we lost it. I know healing will come, and some has come already. But I've learned it's ok to be sad and mourn this loss. I haven't stopped living and am enjoying the life that is around me. I'm living and sad at the same time. The Lord is sustaining me and giving joy in the trial.

The Lord has comforted us in ways that I don't really know how to put into words. That sounds kind of lame to say and feels completely insufficient to say, but it's true. He comforts with Himself. With the truth of His character and the fulfillment of His promises. To experience those things is great comfort indeed. The church really came around us and loved on us. I learned a lot about myself and through the trial I fell more in love with Kyle. He was my greatest earthly comfort and so steady for me.

It's that season of life for me where just about every one around me is having children. I have recieved 4 emails this week to sign up and bring a meal to a new mother in the church, I have family that is pregnant, I have friends who are pregnant and as I see life grow and flourish around me, I feel just a bit like I'm standing still.

I wonder what my child would have been like, I wonder if he/she would have been creative or athletic or both. Would he/she have loved to read and go on walks with me and have a sense of adventure, or been more of a home body? What color of eyes? What color hair?

Isn't it amazing how much we can love someone we haven't met? I love my child. I cannot wait to meet him/her. I can't wait to hold him/her and tell my child I love it with my whole heart.

I am so thankful for  Lord who loves my children even more than I do. Who has ushered my little one to heaven and holds it in His loving arms.

My child is safe and loved. I find great peace in that.

But I'm still sad.

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