Surrender and Trust

     I had had my blood drawn to test for the Breast Cancer gene. My mom died of Breast Cancer, and I knew I needed to stay on top of my health as much as possible. I have a husband and two boys at home. If it could be avoided I didn't want them to have to watch me go through chemo. I know first hand what that's like for a child.

     The Doctors office called. "Please come in right away." I dropped my youngest off at my sisters house, and my other son would go home with my other sister after school. Kids were taken care of. Kyle was trying to be reassuring as we talked on the phone on my way into the Doctor. I wasn't scared, but I knew I had it. Turns out by "it" I have the Chek2 gene. It is a gene that is found in all 3 kinds of Breast Cancer. 

     My chances of getting cancer are now very likely and the Doctor talked me through possible things to do, but her recommendation was having a Double Mastectomy. I have sense spoken to 6 Doctors and 4 nurses who all gave the same recommendation. This special gene also puts me at elevated risk for Thyroid and Colon Cancer. 

     Those are the basic facts. 

     I'm writing this all out because over the last 3 weeks there have been so many emotions and thoughts and planning and sanctification and I don't want to forget. 

     I do not have cancer. But with this gene came a flood of memories about mom. She was diagnosed when she was my age and we lived through her battle. Wow! She battled well. She was such an example of joy in trial, no complaining, and trusting her Heavenly Father in everything. She fought so hard. On a very small scale I feel like I know her a little better. I talked to a friend of mine who has a strikingly similar story to mine and she said the same thing. She felt she knew her mom better as she found out she had BRACA1. I'm so thankful for her example. 

     I do not have cancer. I have so much to be thankful for! But I think I'm going to go through this massive procedure to try and avoid cancer. Initially it seemed like a very simple choice. I can have my body cut up to save my family from all of the difficulties of cancer, to avoid chemo, to have a better quality of life with them. No-brainer. But then some of the reality of that choice came. My femininity was being tampered with. My intimacy with my husband was going to go through a change. And really personal decisions were being talked about in a not so personal way. For example "will I or will I not be able to save my nipples." I felt exposed. I feel exposed. 

     People came out of the woodwork with support and advice and prayer. One friend even sent me pictures of her own procedure so I would know what to expect and how to prepare. Talk about exposure. She just was so helpful and kind. I had another friend who walked me through the process of reconstruction. I have a friend who is a doctor who hasn't missed one of my calls since this happened. She's done a lot of her own research just to be as informed and helpful to me as possible. God is so kind to give us the body of Christ, near and far to rely on. My parents and in laws are hands on helping with recovery and surgery prep. Kyle has been supportive and sweet in every way. 

     Then the doubt crept in. As supportive as friends and family were, there have been a number of skeptics. "That's a big decision for something you can't be sure of." "Is that a bit dramatic?" "Western Medicine is terrible." "These surgeries are major, do you want to put your family through caring for you for that long?"  Suddenly I was wondering "Am I crazy? Are all the doctors crazy? Should I just be mentally tougher?" And now there was the added pressure of knowing without doubt that I would quite possibly be making a decision that some people were very against. 

     Through all of this I was praying, am praying. I've been asking the Lord to help us to rely fully on Him. I have been praying that this trial wouldn't be wasted in any way. Kyle and I got to study James together recently. This seemed like the opportunity the Lord had for us to live it out. I begged. No, I demanded of the Lord that He allow us to live this trial well. That He wouldn't waste an ounce of it. I had peace. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew what needed to be done and Kyle and I were resolved and good to move forward. I was surrendered. My sister actually send me an amazing article on a lady who went through the same thing and was speaking (far more eloquently than me) about how the Lord was teaching her the beauty of surrendering to the Lord. Surrendering our body and will our life to the Lord. I resonated with her. I was surrendered too! I found it beautiful too! I loved it too! Then I met with my surgeon. 

     She was wonderful. I was so thankful that she was my surgeon and for her advice and for her care. She decided to send me to Genetic Counseling before we more on. She is comfortable doing the Double Mastectomy, but because this is a gene that is newer (could only be tested for in the last 5 years) she wants me to meet with an expert who can talk to me about all the ways this gene could effect me as a whole, and to have a better grasp of the numbers. What she means by that is that my percentage could be as high as we think of getting cancer, or it could be a bit lower. Still high, but lower than we currently believe. If it is lower then we are back to the drawing board with making this choice. 

    I was surrendered. But what now? Everything felt up in the air. Within 2 days of this we also found out that other areas of our life were also up in the air. Things went from thought through and planned and moving forward to unsure. 

         So now I'm in a new trial. Waiting in the unknown. I prayed that the Lord wouldn't remove this until we had learned everything He had for us. I didn't want an ounce of it wasted. Now He was showing me where my trust was failing. 

    I found I was surrendered because I knew the plan. But what about when I don't know the plan? I realized I can't be surrendered if I don't trust. I wanted to insist that I was trusting the Lord, I wanted to tell myself that. But I wasn't. I was having a hard time surrendering in the unknown, and if I can't trust in the unknown, then I'm not trusting at all. This was a blow as I have had ample chances to learn trust in the Lord in my life and was disappointed to see I needed a refresher course. I found myself thankful though. How kind of the Lord to teach me to trust again, because He didn't want to leave me where I was at. He cares about my sanctification.  

     Surrender and Trust. He knows my future and has known it since before the foundation of the World. Do I trust that He loves me? I have the assurance He does. He gave His only Son to secure my salvation. Yes. I can trust He loves me. But most importantly, can I put my pride aside and rest in the fact that His ways are above my ways, He doesn't need to explain Himself to me. I have His character to rest in. 

     In these waiting months, it's moment by moment choice to trust and surrender, surrender and trust. It's been so revealing of my heart when I get easily annoyed at my husband and realize it's not because of him but because I am fearing the future; or when I am tired because I have wasted energy being anxious instead of casting my cares on the Lord. Sometimes I worry that this trial may never go away because it will take the rest of my life to learn every ounce of what I can learn from it. But God is good and in that I can rest.